


The Quintessential Bad Type

by Manticore_x5



Category: How I Met Your Mother
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst with a Happy Ending, Barney Needs a Hug, Barney Stinson whump, Barney-centric, Dead Dove: Do Not Eat, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Falling In Love, Finding Family, Fix-It of Sorts, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Mentions Of Infidelity, Misunderstandings, Mutual Pining, Protective Ted Mosby, Self-Acceptance, Self-Esteem Issues, Smart Friends, Sort of a Song fic I guess, Ted is more than Happy to Provide, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Unhealthy Relationships, oblivious idiots in love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-04
Updated: 2020-09-04
Packaged: 2021-03-06 15:35:39
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,195
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26281273
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Manticore_x5/pseuds/Manticore_x5
Summary: Beyond Barney’s compelling façade lies a terrible truth, one that Ted accidentally uncovers. Would Ted be capable of stepping up in time to save Barney? And, most importantly, will Barney let him?
Relationships: Barney Stinson/Others, Minor or Background Relationship(s), Ted Mosby/Barney Stinson
Comments: 8
Kudos: 28





	The Quintessential Bad Type

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired and loosely based on few Billie Eilish songs: Bad Guy, My Boy, Wish You Were Gay and a few others. This is my first attempt at writing a song fic. Hope it doesn’t come across as too much of a cringe-fest.  
> *~*  
> No Beta reader, hence any mistakes are all mine. As always, kudos and feedback is much appreciated. Thank you for reading this fic. You guys are awesome! XOXO  
> ~

_The chilly polluted winds of New York City stings his already sensitive and slowly bleeding nose as he makes his way down the stoop, scraped knees protesting loudly in the cacophony background of a 3 am Saturday traffic._

_Double-checks his pockets for the navy blue Armani tie he’s entirely too fond of and grimaces at the ruined state of his white shirt under the lamp-post. Stops in the middle of pavement; a few steps behind with smirk already stretching across in anticipation of surprising read startling the faux sneaky act, when he catches a shadow going stock-still in his periphery vision._

_Dismisses the strange lingering silhouette - not especially, an odd occurrence in this constantly busy part of Manhattan (probably another lost soul stuck on their phones hoping for a booty call) and goes about his business of attending to his good-friend._

_There is somewhat of a magical quality to the time revolving around the late hours of a Friday night lazily slipping into the weekend._

_Conscience and consequences doesn’t really have a place here, not when heated moments steal the spotlight, shunning away uptight morals into the depths of closets where skeletons remain and their actions clearly belong..._

_He doesn’t really pay attention to the still-figure until he thoroughly bids farewell, savoring the fruits of his stealthy victory. Loiters around even though his exhausted body all but riots for a well-deserved break till his companion boards a vehicle disappearing into the dark, then turning back to face the street and waits to hail a cab._

_Pays no heed until it was too late … to escape, unscathed from the metaphorical crash of the oncoming bus headed for him._

_Seconds too late, to do anything but stare – the crash already took place._

* * *

_‘Fuck, fuck, fuck!’_

Barney curses profusely as he paces within his luxurious apartment. Occasionally, running long fingers through his short blond locks, he angrily knocks over any random stationary having had the misfortune of appearing within his line of sight.

Beyond the ceiling high windows and a modest balcony, Barney is oblivious to the reflection of a sparse sky littered with other skyscrapers’ and infamous architectural landmarks, slowing turning a dusty shade of rose - visible and indicating the beginning of a new day for their empire city. Normally, he deems every new day as a fresh start: a clean slate to mess up in other, creative ways than the last.

Except, Barney kind of outdid himself this time: screwing up spectacularly even before the luminous sun could peek in to say hello.

Pale blue eyes lost in thought as a treacherous, nagging voice kept insisting of all the plausible scenarios through which present crisis could have been avoided, if only he used his wits instead of standing tongue-tied like a gaping fool under a spotlight.

What was it that Ted used to go on about his mother’s advice?

Ah! Yes, the two A.M rule - _‘nothing good happens after two A.M’_.

_She was absolutely right!_

Barney really should have listened more to Ted when the architect lectured against making any impulsive decisions after that time because they invariably end up wrong.

Cause it finally happened; after years of meticulous circumspection and strategically altering schedules to avoid this very situation – one stupid, rash choice had resulted in pulling the rug from under Barney’s seemingly picture-perfect life within a matter of seconds.

One idiotic move is all that it took, to unravel his carefully crafted lies.

\--

He is restless and raging, akin to a desperate beast locked up in a dungeon from the Victorian era and slowly awaiting an execution. The comparison felt fitting, considering the dire happenstance which took place exactly an hour and forty minutes ago.

_Fucking goddammit!_

Every time Barney believes he couldn’t sink any lower, fate has a funny way of dropping by unannounced, solely to prove him wrong. This time things went a little too far and now, he’s basically cowering inside his impressive fortress of solitude, waiting for the predictable shitstorm to hit the fan.

He stops pacing to clutch at his soft hair and screams to drown out the rising cruel voices in his head. The demons only laugh louder and increase the ruckus, vividly replaying the possible scenarios as the sick feeling intensifies in his gut.

It really shouldn’t take much longer…unless, Ted’s in shock or denial about the whole _‘thing’_.

Of course, it’s entirely possible the Ohio native could simply be oblivious enough to miss the whole damn thing; except even a hazy recall of the rigid set of Ted’s shoulders, knuckles turning white from clenching within seconds of _‘running into Barney’_ and a fierce death glare, suggests otherwise.

And seriously, Barney maybe a lot of things but what he isn’t, is an optimist.

 _Nah_ , that’s a Ted thing - all sunshine, rainbows, of fairytales and eternal romance lurking around corners to sweep him off his feet.

But not Barney, _oh no!_

Given his history and shitty luck, it’s only justifiable for Barney to be freaking the fuck out!

Trying and failing to relax, he ponders about this latest screw-up and how it will definitely affect his friendship with Ted and their gang. More so, couldn’t stop berating his naivety and overconfidence for cloaking him in a false sense of security that this day wouldn’t come to pass so soon, if ever.

All good things eventually come to an end; this is a widely renowned universal constant. And Barney’s due a reality check for quite some time now.

Too bad, it has to happen this way. Worse, Ted and his loyal friends ~~might be possibly~~ are dragged into the fucked up mess which is Barney’s real life. That is, if Ted utilizes his good sense and infamous self-preservation instincts to kick Barney out of their lives for good.

The petite red-head and the tall brunette probably wouldn’t outright hate him for his bad decisions and awful behavior.

They always struck him as open-minded and even adventurous enough to get his actions …perhaps if they were feeling generous enough, or not. Anyways, he could count on the girls to not outright stonewall him if Ted issues the banishing order. At least, they’d insist on giving him a benefit of doubt or even a chance to explain himself well away from Ted, depending on the depth of the architect’s ire.

So, really there’s a fifty-fifty chance, things could go either way; and heavily collapsing on the grey couch Barney closes his eyes, dreading to learn the final outcome within the next few hours.

\--

If Barney has to take a leap of faith or willingly go down the rabbit hole, he plans to jolt down his autobiography - all facts, with fiction only involved where actual names are concerned. Or perhaps, he will include all the extravagant fibs he used on his friends and conquests to mix up the inherent dark sentiments, leaving the reader to drawn up their own conclusions regarding the true events, la clue style.

Barney wants a perfect name picked out to go with it - something catchy and outrageous, of course yet still staying true to his real nature. Bold, yes, as he has never been the type to shy away from facing the ugly truths about himself, just merely reluctant to admit them.

In fact, Barney wants the title to be more of a warning label, something he would have appreciated regarding the persons he got involved with in the past. Not that, he regrets any of it. Barney continues to stand firm on _‘why regret something you once wanted?’_ stance.

Actually, if there are any regrets in his life, it’s the things he didn’t dare to reach out for – moments, he let slip between his fingers for the fear of ruining them himself. People, Barney desperately wanted to risk his heart (and sanity) for, only to stop shy of trying…

‘The walking Disaster?’ _Nope_.

‘Nightmare from the upper-west side?’ _Nah, sounds like a terrible sales-pitch for a cheap, knock-off horror movie._

See, Barney Stinson is the kind of guy, mothers warn their kids about and fathers are instinctively wary of; a playboy, who leaves a constant trail of broken promises and heartache in his wake, men and women alike, as he goes about collecting more notches in his belt.

Or so, it appears. But sometimes, what you see is not what you get; the truth being rarely pure and never simple.

Still, it’s the truth Barney chose to advertise and after years of hiding behind the same mask, even he began to fall for his own lies. After all, the secret behind any successful deception or manipulation is to base the deceit on a kernel of truth.

Really, there is only one aspect about Barney which never changes in reality, no matter, how extreme the story he spins out of thin air goes.

He is the sort of guy most mothers often pity and feel sad about; the kind of person who happily drives his target’s girlfriends mad with his antics and their boyfriends jealous from his lucky streak; hell, Barney even gladly and successfully seduced a few hot dads’ of his dates, simply for fun and challenge of it.

Ultimately, to sum it up glossing over the explicit and dirty details - Barney Stinson is the bad type.

Yup, he is bad news and best, avoided at all costs. His vices may vary according to the anecdotes in question or on the particular individual’s (un)fortunate encounter with him. But, undoubtedly the moral in the end always remains the same: Barney Stinson is the bad guy, duh.

The classic big, bad monster. A walking cliché of bad decisions and even shoddier consequences.

‘The Quintessential Bad Type’. _Yup, that’s it_.

 _That’s the one!_ This is Barney’s perfect warning label, the ultimate beware sign for unsuspecting folks to stay clear of his web of deception.

\--

He is actively stalling.

The last thing he needs right now is to surrender to the growing abyss in his mind. He cannot let the memories take over. Barney badly needs something else to engage his mental prowess …anything, it doesn’t matter except for the darkness residing in his heart, slowly corrupting his soul, if he even has one left anymore...

Pulls every trick from his _‘black book of distractions’_ to avoid contemplating the matter on hand. As usual, there is only one person who could easily occupy his chaotic mind and yet has the power to destroy to him in a single move.

Ted. Ted Mosby.

_Yes, what was it that the die-hard romantic is always yapping about?_

That’s right, the dude is interested in his own version of Ted-talk; except this one actually involves speaking about his love life in detail.

Hmm…this is not a bad idea for a show or a hall-mark movie with the right script. But it, has already been established that if Barney’s life is to be made into a movie adaption, the only genre it would qualify for is horror with a tragic ending. True story!

This leaves the obvious choice of literary variation, of course!

It’s from Theodore Evelyn Mosby that Barney first gets the idea of writing his memoirs: _the truth, white lies and the utter embellishments in between_. (This should totally be his potential autobiography’s tagline!)

The star wars fanatic is always going on about how he never got any cool or memorable stories from his parents and how Ted’s not going to let his future kids bemoan the same if he could help it. Probably, this is the real reason, he believes behind Ted’s tolerance to Barney’s toxic company.

Oh, he knows Ted is truly invested in narrating his love story to his kids, one day or maybe just how the architect would come to meet the mother of his future kids (who’s also ~~obviously~~ the _‘one’_ for Ted). (He wasn’t blowing smoke up their ass.) It is a beautiful thought, made especially charming when you think about how Ted tries everything in his power, no matter how noob and sappy it might turn out in the end, to meet the love of his life.

The main reason, Barney even contemplates entering the literary world in the first place is Ted aka his best friend and the love of his life. He got other metaphors to describe the brunet: the light at the end of his tunnel, his sole reason for getting out of bed on the bad days, the reason for smile playing on his lips, the twinkle in his blue eyes and several others.

Well, Barney also blames Ted for his irreversible transition to a pathetic romantic sap, but knows he’s already a lost cause before the nerd even came into the picture. The enchanting idea of recording his time with Ted, however fleeting it may turn out to be, refuses to leave him alone upon its initial conception while drunk off his ass.

Barney has been mentally preparing himself for the day; Ted is going to walk out of his life for good - taking with him, Marshall and Lily, Ted’s oldest, loyal friends and maybe even Robin. Though, Barney’s pretty sure the expiration date on his and Robin’s strange companionship has at best few more months left.

 _Hmm_ …actually, this depends on whether Ted will do something about the chemistry simmering between him and Robin.

The duo chose to remain friends due to their clashing interests in pretty much every topic under the sun. However, Barney knows from personal experience, it is not a guarantee nothing romantic would ever take place. Au contraire, forbidden fruit and all, it is almost certain to happen, just a matter of when.

Well, that’s another story and not really Barney’s to speak of … he will leave it to Ted and his painstakingly detailed ways of narration to a detained audience.

_Right_ , Barney’s anxiety is currently off the roof regarding the potential termination of his friendship with Ted and their gang.

Crossing hands beneath his head, Barney chews over putting his side of the story into words while he’s still lucid and the pain’s yet to fully set in - rendering him into a quivering mass of disaster gay energy and bitterness.

He has plans for penning down the string of unfortunate incidents and their tragic consequences which form his life, in the back of his for a while now. For a cathartic release if nothing else and in case, it gets his nagging rooster of temporary therapists off his back, it’s a huge bonus.

 _Might as well do it now_.

Since Barney’s calendar is soon going to magically clear up his evening appointments at McLaren’s bar for the foreseeable future.

\--

_Let’s see: where to start?_

Should Barney begin with the train-wreck of incidents called his life or specifically, the mess he’s presently embroiled in?

The former undisputedly makes Barney any therapist’s walking wet dream. _No, really!_ Abandonment issues, a fuck-ton of emotional baggage, low self-esteem and the copying mechanisms of a lonely yet insanely creative child, frequently indulging in a love-hate relationship with self – _oh_ , the therapists Barney saw occasionally throughout his teen to adult years, had a field day psychoanalyzing his motives and behavior patterns.

Although, none of them were able to come to a satisfying or even one agreeable conclusion in their evaluation. While Barney truly believes he’s awesome in a lot of areas, unpacking the hot-mess that is his childhood, is not one of them. At least, not when he’s suffering from fresh wounds of heartache … so, maybe later?

That leaves young adulthood years and the rest…

Honestly speaking, if Barney was to only focus on the particular debacle leading to his current doomsday, it can be best hashed into two parts: Before Ted Mosby and After Ted Mosby.

Easier said than done, though.

He can hardly remember his life before Ted in it, vague pieces of information and faint memories as though, it happened to someone else and Barney is simply a fly on their wall.

Well, that’s not really the whole truth. Barney’s doing the _‘glossing-over’_ thing again; his psychiatrists got a name for it, which he couldn’t recall properly right now. Anyway, the point is meeting and proceeding to fall head-over-heels for Ted didn’t automatically fix everything that’s broken within him. Neither did it magically erase all his previous trauma and ugly recollections of the past.

Sure, locked up in some dark recess of his mind remains the true memories of every horrible experience and subsequent nightmares he faced – every terrible feeling and fears Barney diligently repressed. But, it’s time to finally unlock his Pandora box because this screw-up, _yeah_ , this one is all on Barney.

He had a good thing going on, playing pretend family with Ted and ~~their~~ his gang. The final curtain for this show fell prematurely because Barney fucked up, way before he found a way to gracefully bow out of their lives for good, like the enigmatic character he devotedly created.

_Maybe, he got it wrong? Facing his demons is the right way to go, isn’t it?_

Alright… Yeah, he’s finally gonna do the unthinkable and delve into his painful memories which is certain to make his psychiatrists feel proud to hear Barney ultimately followed their advise. Maybe he’s doing this as penance or perhaps it’s for salvation.

Either way, Ted had the misfortunate to walk in on his nightmare and witness his demons in live-action.

The aghast and frankly repulsed expression on the usually gullible face still manages to turn Barney’s insides out. Ted had looked so unlike himself in his disgust and near murderous rage aimed at him that Barney instantly turned tail and escaped without a backwards glance. The unexpectedly empty cab coming to his rescue; the only good thing to have happened before and following this shitstorm.

 _Yeah_ , so maybe these two awful parts of this chapter should are best dubbed as _‘Before the Disaster’_ and _‘After the Disaster’_ – or maybe, the word FUBAR is more appropriate when one thinks about it.

Since, Barney’s currently stuck in a limbo, fretfully awaiting the next (void) chapter of his life, it’s all he could do to relieve every last terrible decision of his which lead to _‘the event’_ that’s going to change his life drastically; anything really, to avoid vividly replaying the repulsion apparent in Ted’s typically warm brown eyes on a loop.

Had he found some vestige of courage, to stick around for Ted to rip-off the bandage and cut ties with him at the street itself, maybe Barney would have been spared this unending agony of apprehension.

But no, being a persistent coward who continues to runs from his troubles, Barney only postponed the inevitable.

Now, all he can do is wait for the aftermath of this catastrophe to catch up with him via Ted and his friends absolutely planned decision to kick Barney to the curb.

Meanwhile, if his traitorous brain ambushes him with decades long shunned reminiscences, well, he totally deserves it.

Besides moping around, Barney really does have nothing better to do than jump head first into his unpleasant past, starting with how he acquired his notorious reputation and the launch of this calamity.

**!#@#!**

**Author's Note:**

> Hey...so, I wasn't gonna post this until the fic was half-way done but couldn't help myself. I was working on all my other WIPs and this one lay dormant for a while (read few months).  
> Anyway, you guys know the drill: cannot promise regular or timely updates but this fic will not be abandoned!  
> Thank you for understanding!💜  
> *~*  
> P.S - I recently discovered the world of Boy Love series (Thai) and have set camp for the foreseeable future! (Part of the reason why updates will be super slow.) I highly recommend watching '2Gether - the series' (Fake Dating AU) available in Netflix and on other online streaming sites .  
> Also, 'TharnType - the series' is awesome too (Enemies to Lovers Trope) released as prequel to 'Love by Chance' show. Although there are few dub-con scenes in the initial episodes, barring those, the TT series is just fantastic with the right combo of chemistry, plot and steamy scenes!! 
> 
> Hope you guys enjoy them too! XOXO


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